Author Archives: mm

I’ve got a jar filled with coins I can’t use. It’s my own fault. I tell people I’ll take them across the river and they can pay me whatever they want. Sometimes people give me a hundred dollars. Sometimes one … Continue reading →

Nothing prepares you for all the tragedy. People die, sometimes while they’re on the phone talking to you. A few times, I’ve been the last voice people hear in their lives. It does something to you. You try to reach … Continue reading →

My mom raised rabbits and my dad made hats. I guess I was destined for this profession. A lot of what we are is pre-ordained. For example, I didn’t decide to become fascinated by sleight of hand. That was all … Continue reading →

Some of my couples, years later, they come to me and thank me. Others, well, let’s just say they are less than pleased. They think I’m here to make them happy. They have never learned that matchmaking is about making … Continue reading →

Truth is, I never understood why my trade is illegal. All money is fake, right? It doesn’t represent anything except itself. I suppose what irked me most was that they called my stuff amateur. Amateur! I lived on those notes … Continue reading →

Women in church still wear them. Some rock stars. A few eccentrics here and there, but who am I kidding? Hats are an endangered species. My friends tell me I need to find another profession, but I just tell them … Continue reading →

I’ve got a staff, sure, but it’s mostly me. I keep track of all those rooms. I know who’s in each one at all times. I know, with ninety-nine percent accuracy, which guests are going to leave their rooms a … Continue reading →

Ever since that movie about the horse guy, people always ask me if I’m the car whisperer. The first time, I didn’t know what they were talking about. By the time the hundredth customer asked me, I was good and … Continue reading →

Truth is, I prefer the term janitor. Custodian makes me sound like I’m a patron of the arts or something. But I’m not. I clean the school building. That’s it. I’ll tell you one thing: Gum is the worst. Especially … Continue reading →

I was in a movie once. It paid pretty good. I figured out I had enough to survive, without working, for a year. So I planned on taking the next two seasons off: no plays, no commercials, no tv, nothing. … Continue reading →

The school sent my daughter home for bullying her classmate. Later she told me she likes to squirt vinegar into our cat’s eye. She said this like it was the most natural thing in the world. Didn’t you do things … Continue reading →

No one carries cash anymore. That’s a problem for me. But I adjusted my expectations. I learned a long time ago that the the life I chose had its rewards, but also its disappointments. I’ve snagged lots of things other … Continue reading →

The millionaires don’t like it when I make a mistake. Sometimes they kick dirt on me. That’s okay. We all come from dirt, even them, though they forget that. Humility is not their long suit. I almost went into medicine, … Continue reading →

My knowledge was only skin deep, but that wasn’t my fault. I blame it on my training. I wore my ignorance with pride, like a distinct and fascinating scar. As I got older I became more and more cranky with … Continue reading →

I had written many biographies before I began writing the life story of the famous documentary filmmaker who made movies about the lives of writers. At our first interview he asked me what it was like to live vicariously through … Continue reading →

I never expected to win an award for my work. I was just a humble dishwasher. No shame, certainly, in honest work, but usually no glory either. The people from the awards committee told me I had been chosen out … Continue reading →

The auction house was having problems. Since they had been good to me for many years, they asked if I would help out by sacrificing for the greater good. I was sold. To begin, I auctioned off one of my … Continue reading →

The Starling Symphony made my reputation and my fortune. Critics called Starling a breakthrough, and so it was. There has been much speculation about where it came from, since it was unlike anything I had done up to then. Here’s … Continue reading →

Once my good friend the plumber pointed out to me that my material was once a finished item, a tree, which had been cut down and cut into pieces, I reconsidered what I had been doing all my life. Of … Continue reading →

Guy brought me in a duck he shot. Wanted it stuffed by the weekend. I told him I could do it, but it would cost him. He said price was no object so I did the job and called him … Continue reading →

After I died, everything changed. My profession suddenly seemed frivolous, even silly. For a while I hung out with the other ghosts. That quickly grew tedious and I applied to become a god. You wouldn’t believe the questions I got … Continue reading →

I got a call to come out and look at a house. The guy on the phone said stuff was coming out of his pipes. I asked him what kind of stuff. He said you have to come here and … Continue reading →

We finished a tough shoot—twenty-eight days in the desert, drenched in searing light—and I was tired of it. I told my family I needed a break and went to the dark side of the moon. Spent a week in the … Continue reading →

Ever since my company published that book with the secret codes in it, people ask me if the books I work on have similar codes. They want to get a jump on the public, I guess. I tell them my … Continue reading →

We usually don’t talk about these things until we retire, but yes, I did see a UFO once. A short flight from Seattle to Portland. Middle of the day. A blip of light appears above Mount Rainier. I point to … Continue reading →

They call me the weatherman. I’m the least reliable person you consult on a regular basis. Did you know meteorologists have the highest incidence of depression? Lots of people think it’s dentists. Nope. It’s weathermen. We drink a lot, too. … Continue reading →

As an apprentice, I learned to gather up the photons and herd them into some semblance of order. My teacher helped me until she thought I was proficient enough to step out on my own. I took my camera and … Continue reading →

The observatory needed upgrading. I arranged for the grounds to be landscaped, the walls painted, the plumbing updated, the décor freshened, and the roof replaced. I oversaw teams of maintenance people as they polished up the facility until it achieved … Continue reading →

My toughest assignment was the time I was commissioned to map a human heart. For starters, I had to drive a stake into each ventricle. My assistant got squeamish and left me to do the rest on my own. But … Continue reading →

The absence of the past was disconcerting at first. Our sense of memory was starved with nothing to latch onto and nothing to do. In compensation, we built worlds, just so we could live in them. We invited other creatures … Continue reading →

The end came before any of us expected it. Over in the marketing department, they scrambled to produce a proper logo and theme song. They missed their deadline by only seconds. We cheered their perseverance and plucky spirit. The sky, … Continue reading →